Cultivating a Mindset Centered on Influence and Acceptance
“Control what you can and let go of what you can’t control” -Epictetus
Ancient stoics challenged the idea of balance with life—suggesting that we find peace and happiness in what we have in present time rather than chasing possible desires, becoming invested in wants, or becoming captives to these desires and wants. These figurative and literal things we gain throughout our lifetime are eventually lost at death, so they stressed the importance of living life as it is (accepting, embracing, and appreciating). Letting go and not worrying about the “what if’s” or the “if only’s” because the constant chase can lead to personal misery, negativity, and cognitive distortions.
Don’t fret about what you don’t have or what you once had, what you said or could have done differently: feel the feels, validate the feels, and then let it go. We as humans tend to focus on the past or the future to a detriment; in fact, more than 40% of our thoughts are focused on past/future ideations. When we remain in this headspace, we are not present, we are focusing on the ideations and views we have of things rather than the things themselves. We have to learn to practice mindfulness and become aware of what we can and cannot control. Focus on staying present, engage with those thoughts, and reframe them so we can shift our perspective and expel our energy where it is needed.
Sometimes we form opinions around experiences, situations, people, etc. due to prior histories, judgments, and/or our interpretations and then we impose them on ourselves, future experiences, etc. It is important to stay present and mindful about our thoughts so that we can separate facts from our opinions, reframe and restructure our thoughts and beliefs (when needed), and recognize what we can control and what we cannot. It is easier to change ourselves than it is to change others or change the world. We can only expect ourselves to put our best selves forward and then accept whatever happens, be prepared to face reality, and prepare to move forward.
You cannot control people’s emotions. You can control how you respond.
You cannot control people’s responses, but you can control what you say and do when you respond.
You cannot control the thoughts that live within your brain, but you can control how you respond to these thoughts.
You can’t expect others to show up, put your needs first, or meet your needs, but you can open communication with others to further discuss these needs.
You can’t expect to succeed at every given task all the time. Failure is imminent, you’re human. You can choose how you get back up or move forward.
You cannot immediately control emotions, but you can become aware of your emotions and understand how to deal with the emotions, triggers, and thoughts.
“If a problem is fixable…then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying” -The Dalai Lama.
No matter how much time you spend with your thoughts and mind fixated on any issue at hand, it is what it is. Have you done what you could to remedy it or do the best you could? That is all that there is to it, and ultimately that is all that you can possibly do. What is out of your hands and what can you influence? It is life changing when you adopt the mentality and focus your energy on the things you can control—your goals, your attitude, how you spend your time, the hobbies you engage in, the media you consume, the people you hang out with, what you eat, how you work, etc. Focus on the situations, mindset, and things that make you feel empowered: the things that allow you confidence, reinforce your ability to influence outcomes, give you a sense of achievement and you will find peace and pride in how you handle situations.
Here are some strategies to help you adopt a mindset focused on controlling what you can:
Establish what is in your control.
When you feel like something is wrong, think about how you can change it or make an impact to change the situation. If you cannot control the outcome, prepare for the hit—focus on what you can control. You can’t control the weather, but you can be prepared if it storms. You can’t control if a job calls you back but you can control the quality of your resume and how much you network and apply. You can’t control if your company has mass layoffs but you can control how you respond to a layoff and how you move forward. Focusing on rumination, worries, and “what if’s” lead to a damaged efficiency of problem solving and can put you in a constant state of panic, anxiety, or depression. Stop focusing on trying to control the past, or the future, the uncertainty can impede your decision to take any action at all. Remain vigilant, get in tune with your thoughts and if there is an issue or worry at hand focus on your attitude, goals, and how you can improve the situation. Make a list of things that you can control when you are worried about things, things you can actively pursue, and things you cannot change. Focus on the first two columns and find peace with the third column.
2. Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness—think about your thinking. Engage with your inner thoughts, emotions, and how you really feel. Pay attention to the present without quick judgements. Engage with your surroundings and your environment. Train your brain to focus on your thoughts and feelings so you can accept what you’re thinking and feeling. Pay attention to how your thoughts impact you. Do not push away thoughts or avoid thoughts and feelings because it perpetuates itself and comes back stronger and can alter your attitudes. Write down your thoughts when you are worried about uncontrollable things. What is the worst that happens? Go through a spiral down to the worst possible scenario and then work your way back up with realistic or positive reframing thoughts.
3. Continue to learn; knowledge is power.
Remain open minded and position yourself mentally prior to engaging in new situations, conflict, or experiences you are worried about. How do you want to respond? Create the mental picture while remaining open to new possibilities. Continue to explore new ideas and learn new skills. Having a growth mindset allows you to make mistakes, change course, and adopt new challenges and ideas with less worry. Knowledge is power and if you can learn more about yourself, your surroundings, and others you can let go of unrealistic ideations of perfectionism, control, and fears of failure. When you commit to lifelong learning you go to bed stronger than when you woke up and just having the mindset of continuing growing and learning you is empowering. Embrace that you are continuously everchanging and alongside those changes continuing to be curious and open to learning new lessons that promote self-growth.
4. Practice what you can control.
When you are actively practicing things that are in your control, you become more efficient at confronting things that are out of your control. You will have a different, more flexible mindset that grows tolerance towards facing new challenges head on. Control your breathing. Control your attitude. Focus on how you frame and/or reframe thoughts. Express and understand your gratitude for things/situations/people. Visualize achieving positive or realistic outcomes or make a vision board and work towards what motivates you.
5. Let it go.
Recognize what releasing control looks like for you. What does it mean to “let it go”? Release control and let go of the things you never had control of in the first place. Focusing on allowing things to happen instead of making them happen. Remain mindful and present when you start to focus or micromanage your surroundings or your thoughts, make a deliberate decision to “let it go”, “it is what it is”.
6. Negativity bias.
Be aware of negativity bias and how it impacts your brain. Knowing that our brains are wired to focus or see the negative in situations and experiences will allow you to engage with your thoughts. If the news causes you panic or worry about the things you can’t control, watch less. Engaging with negative sources (media, humans, experiences) can perpetuate worry. Engage with positive people and cultivate positive experiences.
The need and want for control over experiences, situations, and or people comes from the attachment we have to the best single outcome, but honestly, we do not know what is always “the best outcome”. Take a step back, evaluate different solutions and open yourself up to alternate possibilities. Surrender to reality. Only you can make the decision to do differently. You do not and could not possibly have control over everything. You cannot control big things or worldly things, but you can take focus and initiative towards the smaller things that you do have control over. Next time you find yourself focused on a particular situation or thought, ask yourself what you can do—realistically—to influence the situation and do what you can, let the rest go. Find peace with reality. Find comfort in spending your energy on the things you can control. Control what you can.
