Rejection 101: Why It Hurts and How to Bounce Back Stronger
What is Rejection?
Rejection is a complex experience that can be overwhelmingly uncomfortable. It is experienced when there is a sense of loss, usually related to something we had or desired. Its intensity can vary from minor to significant, and its impact can range from gentle to harsh, but it always leads to hurt feelings, sometimes more profound than anticipated.
Rejection is not an emotion itself, but rather a result of events that cause hurt feelings. When we face rejection, we experience emotions tied to the implications of the rejecting event, rather than the rejection itself. Our emotional response is linked to the consequences and meanings we associate with the rejection. For example, if you apply for a job and do not receive an offer, you might feel disappointment, sadness, or frustration. These feelings are connected to what the rejection means for your personal goals, identity, or relationships, etc... Such experiences of rejection, can lead to cognitive distortions, which amplify the perceived severity of rejection, making it seem more profound than it actually is. Our perception and thoughts about rejection not only heightens emotion, but can also significantly impact how we view ourselves and assess our strengths and abilities. When we experience rejection and turn inwards, we can start to view ourselves in a negative light, attaching reasons for rejection to our personal characteristics, and view ourselves as flawed. Rejection hurts, how you perceive it and whether you internalize it is what causes or perpetuates these attached emotions.
Why Does Rejection Hurt So Bad?
Rejection hurts because of the implications we attach to the rejecting events, but also because it activates the same brain regions associated with physical pain. Research shows that the emotional distress from rejection not only activates the same neural pathways that are involved in processing physical pain, but can also trigger visceral reactions that feel real and tangible. Rejection literally triggers our brain's warning systems, alerting us to the dangers of ostracism, isolation, or loneliness. The reactions we have to rejection are rooted in our evolution as social creatures where we have learned to depend on others for survival, social engagement, acceptance, reassurance, and a sense of belonging.
Rejection is unavoidable. Whether it is getting turned down from a job, ghosted within a relationship, disappointment with inadequate supplies, or an end of a chapter in our story, we will inevitably encounter various forms of rejection as we move through life. Frequent and repeated experiences of rejection without skills and tools to assist with toleration and mitigation can significantly damage self-esteem, lead to emotional wounds, cognitive distortions, and increased false beliefs of self and engagements with the world around us.
How Do We Deal With Rejection?
Acceptance, acknowledgement, reframing, and compassion.
Acknowledge & Compassion- When facing rejection, acknowledge and validate your emotions and thoughts. Show yourself compassion during these engagements and focus your attention on facts. In the midst of flooding of emotions, it is easy to get caught up in the narratives our minds create, rather than sticking to concrete evidence. When you refocus your attention to objective facts, you can navigate your thoughts and emotions with greater self-compassion and create healthier habits of processing rejection.
Reframe & Reflect- Reframe the rejection as an opportunity for growth, learning, and improvement rather than seeing it as a reflection of inherent flaws or shameful traits you imply based immediate emotion, perception, or factitious thoughts. Avoid personalizing the rejection, because it often relates to circumstances and factors unrelated to your inherent worth or abilities. Again, focus on the facts: what can you do differently next time? Where can you take accountability? How can the next outcome look different? What are your expectations moving forward?
Acceptance & Continued Compassion strengthen your ability to tolerate rejection, reframe negative thoughts, and stay grounded in reality. They also boost self-esteem, elevate aspirations, and enrich everyday experiences. Practicing self-compassion strengthens your relationship with acceptance–whether it’s acceptance of yourself, others, experiences, or lessons–and continue to find opportunities to create the change you are craving. Accepting also involves recognizing that we cannot control others’ behaviors–or lack thereof–but we do have control over our own behaviors and we have the ability to refocus on positive, constructive, and fulfilling interactions.
Revisit your values, strengths, and goals. The extent to which you value an experience influences how much you feel acceptance or rejection from it. Reflect on why the rejecting event is affecting you to the degree it is and consider what you need to help you work through it. Remind yourself of your strengths, past achievements, and positivity while you revisit your goals.
Schreiber, L. (2021, June 24). Why does rejection hurt so much? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loss-and-resilience/202106/why-does-rejection-hurt-so-much
