Discovering the Underlying Reasons: Delving into Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Anger as a secondary emotion: what are you protecting?

You must feel another emotion before you can experience anger—what is underneath the anger? What lies beneath the anger?? What ignited the anger—do you not feel safe? Anger can be seen as a secondary emotion because it is used to protect vulnerable emotions, but it is also valid on its own. It's important to recognize anger as a valid emotion, and also as a defense mechanism.. Anger by itself is a valid emotion—sit with it and understand the anger and then work to see the root of the problem.

For example, if our roommate is constantly barking out impossible demands that we cannot keep up with and we have not set healthy boundaries in relation to responsibilities, we get angry. But what we might really feel is inadequacy, exhaustion, and/or shame for not being able to communicate our needs so we use anger as a protector from these painful and initial emotions. Listen to your anger and recognize what is causing the anger—what is the message? What can we learn? These insights can help you recognize needs and wants.

What would it be like if we stayed with that primary emotion before moving into protective mode and feeling anger?

Three tips for listening to anger in interpersonal relationships:

1. Do not take anger personally because most of the time, the feeling is not about you. The feeling underlying anger is because of their primary feelings within themselves. Become curious—why are you angry? Open communication to bridge the gap between what is really being felt and protected.

2. Do not use verbiage “calm down”, “relax”, or “you’re overreacting” because it is invalidating, and it reinforces that their feelings are not important or acceptable. Use communication to let them know that you want to understand their feelings and ask what they need—do not invalidate or try to problem solve.

Think of anger as an iceberg. Much of the iceberg is under the surface, not seen to the naked eye. It is easy to see a person’s anger, but it is difficult to see the underlying feelings that the anger is protecting (i.e. embarrassment, fear, shame, frustration, distrust, annoyance, exhaustion, uncertainty, worry, regret, discomfort, envy, anxiousness, helplessness, disgust, grumpiness, etc.).

Let’s talk about some emotional possibilities for anger to come to surface:

SADNESS can lead to anger if you don’t allow yourself to acknowledge and express the sorrow.

FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real)—worry and anxiety are very uncomfortable. When control is unsuccessful, angry outbursts are often the result.

FRUSTRATION occurs when you think you are trapped and disempowered.

DISAPPOINTMENT with self, others, or scenarios (real or imagined).

EMBARRASSMENT leading to anger can be a cover story for shame, anxiety, or perfectionism.

JEALOUSY can really be a questioning of your own sense of value.

Get in tune with your body, your mind, your soul, and your emotions. Educate yourself on yourself. Lean into all the feelings you feel, avoiding these feelings only perpetuates them further.